I think, therefore I am...constantly anxious.

I frequently think that the ability to not think, to clear ones mind and just be restful, at peace, mindful, is simply beyond me.

And there it is. The perfect Catch-22 and the reason meditation is so stressful.

This isn't a self help section, nor is it some sort of personal therapy journal, it's just my observations on being sentient. It can be hard work. That's all I'm saying.

I can't pretend to really know what being non-sentient is like, unless I try and think back to the last time I was so drunk that I eventually woke up in a hedge, nowhere near where I had been out or indeed lived, and not only had no memory of falling into it, I had no memory of intending to go out drinking in the first place. And therein lies another problem, it's impossible to imagine being non-sentient because the only times we come close to it are the times that you can't think back to and remember, which I guess is sort of the point.

So, to summarise. Being non-sentient is a bit like being really, really drunk. And being sentient is a bit like being quite drunk and suddenly wishing that you weren't. That moment where you think to yourself, "I probably shouldn't have had that last drink", which, as any that have been drunk will know, is truly awful.

Being sentient is stressful and causes all kinds of anxiety issues.

It may seem that I am making light of the issue of anxiety. I am, but only because I make light of things all the time. It's probably my way of coping with them.

I, like many, perhaps most, do have my challenges with anxiety, with fear and panic. I don't think I always did, but then that too is the problem, thinking creates thoughts and thoughts create thoughts. You end up being unsure as to what was true and what you now think is true. Perhaps I simply didn't notice anxiety in the way I do now, perhaps the ways in which I navigated life before helped me keep moving forward and not get caught up in the anxious feelings and moments. Or perhaps I did, but they were short, one-off moments that didn't become a repeating loop. I don't have the answer. I've tried to find it. I wonder if searching for it is probably a part of the problem.

If you are reading this and have anxiety issues then you've probably read a lot of stuff about it, or spoken to professionals about it, and I'm not about to try and solve the mystery here, I'm barely equipped to keep myself on my own daily path let alone try and unravel the mysteries of the human condition. But know this, whether it is anxiety or stress or panic, it's the exact same thing that everyone else has within them, literally, everyone that lives, has lived and will ever live. It just manifests itself in each of us a little differently depending on myriad internal and external factors and we each need to find our way though it, as difficult and sometimes personal and lonely as that may feel.

But, in the absence of a real useful solution...let's just make light of it for now.

If you can't medidate your way to peace and inner harmony, try getting really, really drunk. It's the next best thing in my experience, apparently. And an added bonus, you sometimes get to spend time really close to nature.

I am Not a Robot Doctor